Protesters chanted into microphones outside Mike Pence’s speaking event on campus Thursday evening, but you could hear a pin drop inside. The former Vice President spent the hour chastising Stanford for not divesting from fossil fuels and explaining his interpretation of Biblical chastity.
“My friends call me Michael, and tonight you are all my friends”, he whispered as he gently kissed the microphone.
“Climate change is the largest existential threat to the world as we know it.” Pence said to a crowd with their jaws to the ground. “I was disappointed that so many people drove cars to their local polling place last November when there are so many greener ways – I myself took a shared rickshaw.”
Pence’s environtelamism started early in his tenure as Vice President. “Somebody must have signed me up for the Fossil Free Stanford email list as a joke. Since I didn’t get many emails back in 2018, I decided to get involved.” A single tear rolled down Pence’s cheek. “Personally, I can’t believe Stanford’s new school of sustainability is allowing donations from fossil fuel corporations. These companies are responsible for what is undoubtedly the greatest man made disaster in the Earth’s 6,000 year history,” Pence said. “I want all of you to know that I 100% support the lawsuit fossil free Stanford filed earlier this week.”
While Pence’s stance on environmental justice surprised many students, it was his comments on the LGBTQ community that left his audience flabbergasted.
“I’m just saying, the Bible never explicitly forbids it,” said Pence, referring to the infamous poophole loophole. A second later he quipped, “it’s not premarital if you don’t get married.”
When pressed about his stance on LGBTQIA+ rights, he countered, “It’s not gay if it’s a threeway”. After an outburst of applause from the crowd, he added “even if there’s no woman.”
The speech was interrupted by a group of students dressed in black hidden in the audience. Instead of interrupting with a classic rhyme chant to call attention to a cause, the students broke out into emphatic cheers of “MI-CHAEL, MI-CHAEL, MI-CHAEL”, as they celebrated their newfound friend. The room went silent, however, when Pence broke the chants up with “And so I am here to finally declare my candidacy for President of the United States in 2024.” Pence winked one last time before leaving through the backdoor.
While students came to the event split between enthusiasm and outrage, all left confused.
