“I am here to confess.”
“I cheated on my CS161 midterm.”
“I cheated on my homework partner.”
“I cheated on my tech ethics exam,” said one student in a black turtleneck with a voice so deep it puts fraternity basses to shame.
You could hear Stanford students confessing their sins last Wednesday, February 23, 2022. From 5 AM to midnight, students lined up for their chance to confess.
Many students claimed that the guilt was tearing them up from the inside. “I did my professor dirty. I really should have taken the higher ground and failed that exam.” Other students claimed they feared further consequences if the professors found out about their dishonesty.
Despair across reached a high point, and then…deliverance. An anonymous Buzz (you can’t escape your roots) post started climbing the rankings. It told students to come to Main Quad. Those who came would be forgiven.
Students came to Main Quad, and a group of masked figures in red jumpsuits directed other students into Memorial Church. One of the masked students commented, “I am organizing Stanford’s largest pilgrimage.”
Students went into the church and confessed to a priest. According to one confessor, “I was so grateful for this event. I can live guilt-free now.” This confessor used to be an atheist. Another confessor said, “I can’t believe I did not know about this event before. I cheated on multiple things. I was actually quite the player. When the priest told me that it would be all good, I felt so proud of myself.”
“I felt terrible when I first cheated on my tech ethics paper,” said one senior. “I’m starting work at TheraNOs (not Theranos) over the summer, and I remember thinking ‘what am I doing with myself’ as I copied and pasted an essay about ethical reasoning. Now, though, I am completely absolved of all sins! It’s the results that matter, not the methodology.”
When asked about the OCS, these confessors said that there would be no need for the OCS. “I already confessed. I confessed to a higher being than the OCS.”
Who are these red priests of this new order of atonement? As the clock struck midnight one of the red suits tore off its mask to reveal the glistening face of Mehran Sahami underneath. “Why take ten weeks learning about tech ethics from 1:30-2:50pm every Tuesday and Thursday in my tech ethics class when you can absolve yourself of sin in one fell swoop?!?” the famed professor exclaimed.
