Obama warned against the dangers of online misinformation at Cemex auditorium on Thursday. “Conspiracy and lies spread online have a real cost to our democracy and democracies around the globe,” Obama said. “It’s up to each of us to do our part in reducing the lies spread online. So, to kick things off, I’m going to help reduce misinformation here on Stanford’s campus.” Obama jumped off the stage and started jogging through the audience. He paused, for a second at row J, then sprinted to row L and full body tackled the President of Stanford College Republicans (SCR). “Try asking for my birth certificate now you no-Dick all-Cheney wannabe!” Muffled gasps rang through the auditorium, but no one did anything. Obama caught sight of Professor McFaul, who served as his ambassador to Russia. “McFaul!” Obama exclaimed. “Doesn’t this just bring you back to our political days! Remember the time I did this to Putin?. Listen up kids, this is how we got the Iranian nuclear deal passed. I pinned Putin and nuggied him until he agreed to the sanctions. That’s diplomacy for you,” Obama said.
Tiring of restraining the squirming undergraduate, Obama popped up and began striding down the aisles of Cemex auditorium. “That stage was too stuffy for me anyway. I’m a man of the people.” Outlining his vision for the future, punching the air to elaborate points and excoriating Silicon Valley greed, Obama cut a lithe figure through the hall. “Let’s see what the people think!” Obama shouted as he flung open the auditorium doors.
“WE LOVE YOU, OBAMA!” shouted a crowd of several hundred undergraduates who had waited for hours outside to get even the slightest glimpse of the former President.
“You spoiled kids and your need to make $200,000 after graduation are the reason we’re in this mess,” yelled Obama as he made affectionate finger guns towards a few people in the crowd. Three people fainted from excitement.
“YOU ARE THE IDEAL DEPICTION OF MALE BEAUTY,” the crowd screamed in perfect unison.
“Burn in hell,” Obama said as he waved cheerfully to the crowd before slamming shut the auditorium doors.
“Stanford is a special place,” Obama said. “That’s why I only charged half my normal $400,000 speaking fee! But look, this wouldn’t be an Obama without a long…………………….
……………………….………………………..………………………..………………………………………………………………………….pause.” The Cemex crowd went crazy.
