Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Tue 12/14/21 3:43 PM
To: Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Subject: Office Access
Hey Snehal,
We hope this email finds you well. We’re currently locked out of our office on campus and wondered if you could give us building access so we could get back to work?
Thanks,
chappie staff
|
|
|
|
|
Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Fri 12/23/21 8:02 PM
To: Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Re: Office Access
Hi Chappie,
No. As you know, per the Universities COVID policies, only athletes are allowed indoors this semester. Scientific research has proven that COVID infections are far more likely indoors, so you’ll just have to get used to the great outdoors until this whole omicron situations resolves itself.
|
|
|
|
|
Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Wed 12/29/21 9:17 AM
To: Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Subject: Would you do it for two Scooby snacks?
Dearest Snehal,
We know the administration has gotten a lot of blowback for making everyone take classes and sleep outside these past few months, but we’re fine with that. We would, however, really like to get access to our office so we can write comedy together. If athletes can workout indoors together, surely it’s ok for us to congregate?
|
|
|
|
|
Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Fri 1/05/22 5:32 PM
To: Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Re: Not on a plane, not in a train, not even on a boat!
Loveliest Chaparral,
While I appreciate the conundrum that you’ve pointed out, there is a slight snag in your reasoning. The athletic teams on campus have multimillion dollar TV contracts and large alumni groups who donate millions more ever year. Meanwhile the Chaparral alumni group has only contributed $2.47, a feral hog and 42,394 whoopee cushions. Ignoring the concerning number of whoopee cushions, this isn’t exactly enough to change the administration’s thinking on your office access. I can emphasize with your frustration, but just remember whose fault it is you don’t have a multimillion dollar endowment.
|
|
|
|
|
Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Mon 1/17/22 9:00 AM
To: Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Subject: Do you like jazz?
Most lovely Snehal,
A new semester has dawned at Stanford, and with it a new era of University COVID policies. Now that all students are allowed indoors, could we ever so kindly regain office access?
|
|
|
|
|
Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Thur 1/20/22 10:04 PM
To: Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Re: Only smooth jazz…
Most Darling Chaparral,
Thank you for your email. It was a delight to receive. I have, of course, at once begun the administrative process to allow you to regain access to your office. The request has been filed with the office of administrative affairs where it is currently being tabulated. I’m sure they will get back to you in all due haste.
|
|
|
|
|
Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Thur 1/27/22 1:28 AM
To: Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Subject: Tinder or Hinge?
Dearest Snehal,
Thank you for your kind action of filing the request with the office of administrative affairs. We humbly wish to follow-up with the bureaucratic process and inquire as to the current state of the proceedings.
|
|
|
|
|
Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Thur 1/27/22 1:29 AM
To: Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Re: Raya 😉
My Chappie,
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You know we don’t use the word “bureaucracy” here at Stanford. We are a flat, people first organization that only employs rockstars ready to smash the world with our sleek, robust management structure.
Unfortunately, your request was lost in a paper shuffle, so I’ll have to resubmit the request with all due haste. Unfortunately, the office of administrative affairs is a bit busy at the moment, and it may take a moment before they catch their breath.
|
|
|
|
|
Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Thur 1/27/22 1:30 AM
To: Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Subject: Sunsets or sunrises?
Darlingest Snehal,
Absolutely no worries, Snehal. I’m sure they’re working as diligently as possible.
|
|
|
|
|
Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Tues 2/6/22 4:25 PM
To: Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Subject: Do you believe in ghosts?
Snehal?
We just wanted to check in and see if you have any updates about our office access?
|
|
|
|
|
Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Mon 2/14/22 2:14 PM
To: Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Re: new phone who dis?
Most darlingest Chappie,
My most sincere apologies about this delay. Your request has been approved by the office for administrative affairs and is currently being evaluated by a subcommittee led by none other than Vice Provost for administering administrative affairs, Matthew Pews. After this panel adjudicates on your proposal, it shall be forwarded with all due haste to the major committee on Anthropological Studies (I don’t have to tell you that nothing gets done without their approval), before a short jaunt through the 14 stage approval process led by the President’s office.
As you can tell from this expedited process, we are all routing for you! With any luck you’ll be back in your office by 2035!
|
|
|
|
|
Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Tues 2/15/22 4:25 PM
To: Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Subject: hello… it’s me
Most exquisite Snehal,
We appreciate the effort you’ve put into this entire endeavor. We did, however, have one question. Is it not possible to speed up this process a little bit?
|
|
|
|
|
Snehal <snehalthesexysnail@stanford.edu>
Fri 2/18/22 4:53 PM
To: Chappie Staff <oldboy@hammercoffin.org>
Re: I’ve been wondering all these years
what
