Move over Professors! There’s a new set of cool kids on the block, and they too are starting to get endowed job titles. Starting this Winter, administrative staff at the University will be eligible to receive tenure and endowed positions.
“It’s no secret that administrative staff outnumber professors,” quipped Marc Tessier-Levigne, “but we’re finally doing something about this bloat by endowing their jobs and giving tenure!”
While most endowed positions will go to existing staff members, many in the school are most excited about the opportunity to create new administrative positions. “Last week we created the Humphrey Appleby Associate Vice Provost-ship of administrative activities,” Persis Drell gushed. “We don’t have anything for that person to do yet, but isn’t it just exciting to think about a new administrative staff member just sitting in their office scheduling meetings!”
Matthew Pews, Associate Vice Provost for Campus Disengagement, was the first staff member to receive an endowed position. He is now the Mark E. Zuckerberg Endowed Chair of Campus Anti-Social Activities. “I’ve done a lot of reflecting about my impact on the world,” Zuckerberg said, “and I’ve realized that most of my job consists of trying to keep people indoors and detached. When Stanford approached me about endowing an associate Vice Provost position I leapt at the opportunity to affix my name to a job I feel has similar values.”
The rollout hasn’t been all smooth sailing, and a wrinkle emerged last week when Stanford gave the entire Branner Dorm custodial staff tenure, and they all stopped showing up to work. “We are very disappointed in the Catherine M. Fields Custodian in Branner Bathrooms,” said Pews.
“We haven’t had toilet paper for ten days,” said one under-wiped undergrad who requested anonymity. “It’s been so long even the redwood leaves are starting to look tempting.” Some students report experimenting with the water fountains. “This one mechanical engineering major from France souped up the pressure in our hall’s water fountain and…. well…I hear it’s popular in Europe.”
“Unfortunately, since every custodian in that dorm has tenure we can’t fire them and Stanford doesn’t have the budget to hire a replacement team,” said Pews. “We’re looking into making the tenured endowed custodians emeriti, but that’s a delicate process.”
The move has also attracted criticism from faculty members who claim endowed titles should be reserved for professors. Mona Hickle, the Holden Caufield Vice Provost for Overlooking Students, appeared receptive to these concerns, and she scheduled a series of meetings with faculty members to discuss the issue. These productive meetings produced an advisory panel tasked with producing recommendations for an Oversight Council set to begin meeting in the fall of 2023, which would then forward its recommendations to a steering committee to be set up at a later date.
This bureaucratic subterfuge was detected by several Stanford professors who denounced it forcibly in the latest Faculty Senate meeting. Unfortunately, the faculty senate got sidetracked and started complaining about the Hoover Institute before they could hold a vote condemning these subcommittee shenanigans.
Despite the checkered rollout, Marc Tessier-Levigne isn’t about to change course. “Love ‘em or hate ‘em, these paper-pushers are here to stay!” he said. “They’ve got tenure.”
