There is no water in The Claw. The iconic Stanford fountain that looks nothing like a claw is empty. While unimaginative minds cry for it to be refilled with water, the resident nerds at The Chaparral have cooked up a list of water-alternative substances to pour into the empty fountain basin. Peruse this list at your own risk.
- Cash: Everyone at The Chaparral loved this idea, and we can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t love having a fountain filled with free money for anyone to take. This suggestion arrives at an opportune time as Stanford made $12 billion from endowment returns last year. The school usually has no trouble wasting money on things like “modern art installations” or “vice provosts”, so why not just give it away!
- Elixir for eternal youth: We don’t mean to point fingers, but the annual multi-million dollar research budget Stanford spends on the life sciences has so far yielded zero immortality potions.
- Theta Delta Chi (TDX): Stanford’s chillest frat to throw all-campus ragers is currently unhoused. While The Claw is a lot smaller than their old house, TDX has always proved exceptional at fitting a lot of sweaty people into a tiny space so they can bop around together.
- Mike Pence: Readers who don’t follow the never-ending soap opera that is Stanford’s undergraduate senate may not know they recently denied funding to bring Mike Pence to campus. While our former Vice-President may not have the budget to rent out Memorial Auditorium, he could use The Claw as an alternative speaking venue and spread his message to the ten Republicans on campus.
- Coins from other fountains: This one is pretty self explanatory.
- Staff Housing: It’s no secret that housing in Silicon Valley costs a pretty penny, and many staff members at Stanford have one to two hour commutes to campus. Why not cut down those commute times by turning the empty fountain into a very tall, very narrow apartment building.
- COVID Vaccines: This would look like a bed of nails, except the nails are hypodermic needles dispensing mRNA based COVID vaccines. No more waiting in long lines at health clinics to get your jab! Just run across The Claw in bare feet.
- Neighborhood F: Stanford students are currently only allowed to live in one of eight different neighborhoods on campus. Each neighborhood is supposed to have its own cohesive community, but can you really form a bond with someone if you’re not sharing a tiled fountain basin with them?
- Casa Italiana: Stanford bid ciao to the beloved Italian themed row house last year. Could The Claw be a new home for the famed Stanford dorm?
- Nothing: There are already two empty cans of Coors light and a pile of brown leaves in the fountain. Let’s leave it at that and call it a day.
